"One must have a mind of winter
To regard the frost and the boughs
Of the pine-trees crusted with snow;
And have been cold a long time
To behold the junipers shagged with ice,
The spruces rough in the distant glitter
Of the January sun; and not to think
Of any misery in the sound of the wind,
In the sound of a few leaves,
Which is the sound of the land
Full of the same wind
That is blowing in the same bare place
For the listener, who listens in the snow,
And, nothing himself, beholds
Nothing that is not there and the nothing that is."
- Wallace Stevens
Just me again. . . So, the new year is here. . . new grand ambitions and goals. . . new promises to myself that I have great intentions of keeping but lets be real with each other my dear Blog, we both know that won't happen. Life seems so busy, so many to-dos and not enough time and even worse. . . not enough focus to actually accomplish the many things running around my head.
I have joined a 365 group. . . a P52. . . and a Blog Circle. . . two out of three of these are mainly lifestyle photo based and the more I continue on that path the more it feels like a "job" I am forever struggling with. . . don't get my wrong, I love having these treasured memories of my littles to look back on. They grow so quickly! But day in and day out I find myself not feeling complete artistically. I feel myself being drawn to the strong pockets of harsh light and shadows. I want to be creative. I want my soul to shine and I know that doing forever lifestyle shoots will never full fill this "want" inside of me. . . just another year of 365 images. . . why?!? Because that is what I am supposed to do as a mom with a camera?
So yesterday I did a thing, I had a vision of a red dress in the frost of winter and as I pulled the dress out from the dusty pile of prop dresses I have collected over the years Piper enthusiastically asked if she could wear it. . . originally I had thought a self portrait but if I have an eager little model, why not?!? She did such an amazing job! It was chilly but she didn't complain once and was such a brilliant little light. My heart sang! I felt like I was creating something, not just taking it. I worked on my edit to make my vision come to life and put it out there in the world. . . yes, there were the amazing people in my life that love me who gave me some hearts but mostly it didn't go over nearly as well as my "take a picture of the kids, post a picture of the kids" images. Does this matter?!? It shouldn't!!! But in a way it kind of does. . . maybe they don't see what I was trying to do? Maybe they don't understand my need to break free from the every day? Either way, it honestly shouldn't matter. . . it was for me. . . it was for my creative heart and I want more. . . well received or not. I will continue doing it, because it made my heart smile. . . it made me feel like I was being me just the tiniest bit rather than conforming. So tomorrow I shall do it again. . . and maybe even the next day. . . who knows. I do know that as we were making the walk back home up the icy hill I noticed the pile of discarded Christmas trees and felt inspired so that is the direction I am going with. No obligations to do it every day, no pressure to be amazing. . . who honestly cares if it isn't the most amazing thing in the world truly. Isn't it about what makes me happy? Isn't that why I decide to create in the first place?
Ugh. . . I just want to feel like I am doing something well. . . anything well. I want to be amazing at something, not just good at a lot of little things. I want to stop feeling like there is always something missing. . . like I am always waiting for something that just isn't coming. . . .